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By Tom Hove
Content warning: This blog contains references to sexual assault, military sexual trauma, and suicidal ideation.
Veterans, particularly those who identify as LGBTQIA+ or belong to marginalized communities, face a myriad of challenges that extend far beyond their time in service.
Notably under policies like "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT), implemented in the U.S. military from 1994 to 2011, discrimination contributed to the complexities of LGBTQIA+ Veteran intersectionality. Among other things, forcing LGBTQIA+ individuals to conceal their identities while serving in the military has left a lasting impact on many Veterans.
In the realm of veterans' experiences, the concept of intersectionality is critical. Intersectionality, as defined by Oxford Dictionary, is “the interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class, and gender, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage”. This perspective underscores the intricate web of factors such as race, sexual orientation, and Veteran status that shape the realities of individuals and the ways these identities impact how a person experiences the world and society. For LGBTQIA+ service members and Veterans that served during “don’t ask don’t tell,” hiding parts of yourself for long periods can even more significantly impact your identity and the way you understand your own oppression. Different for every person, this intersectionality plays a significant role in how individuals access benefits and care and how they walk through the world.
My Intersectionality Journey
During the time President Obama was overturning the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy, I found myself in the midst of Navy boot camp at Great Lakes, Illinois. After the repeal, came time for the command to acknowledge the elephant in the room, at some point, all trainees were gathered for a comprehensive briefing on LGBTQIA+ cultural competency. The irony of receiving such training from an individual who seemingly had no personal connection to the LGBTQIA+ community did not escape me. Throughout my military service, I grappled with my identity, striving to stay hidden yet yearning for self-acceptance.
In this environment, I encountered a man who noticed me — someone who charmed and captivated me, leading me to trust him implicitly. After a date one evening, we returned to his apartment, where the night took a harrowing turn as he assaulted me. In the aftermath, I was haunted by the prejudiced voices claiming that such behavior was typical within the LGBTQIA+ community, which left me carrying a heavy burden of shame. He later told his girlfriend, whom I was friends with since coming to the command. He outed me to the command, my worst fear unlocked.
It wasn’t until years later, during a heartfelt exchange with someone who had endured a similar ordeal, to include the suicidal ideations, that I came to a profound realization: my experience was neither normal nor reflective of LGBTQIA+ community values. It was, in fact, an instance of military sexual trauma — a truth that took me years to acknowledge and understand.
Identity: Sailor & Military Sexual Trauma Survivor
During my tenure in the military, I was granted the unique chance to pose a question on the Oprah Winfrey Lifeclass, live. The episode, aptly named ‘You’ve Always Had The Power,’ resonated with me deeply. Initially, my correspondence was about the guilt I felt for hurting a past girlfriend after my military enlistment. However, as I engaged with the show’s producers, our dialogue naturally evolved to include my struggles with sexual identity. A turning point came when I met a producer who was openly gay. Our extensive discussion about his journey to acceptance seemed to be nudging me towards a public revelation of my own during the broadcast. Despite this, I found myself unable to take that leap—a decision I’ve since reflected on with a tinge of regret. It was only upon meeting the man who would become my husband that I truly began to accept and celebrate my identity.
Identity: Proud Gay
Ten years ago, our story began—a tale of two souls half a world apart, drawn together by fate and the magic of digital connections. I was stationed on Guam, and Doug, a Seattle Police Officer in the vibrant city of Seattle, WA. Our paths seemed unlikely to intersect, but destiny had other plans. As I scrolled through a gay dating app, I stumbled upon a man whose smile radiated warmth and authenticity. Without hesitation, I messaged him, and our virtual conversation ignited. Texts turned into Skype calls, and soon we found ourselves spending hours talking across time zones. Friends and skeptics warned Doug—it sounded like a scam. After five months of long-distance communication, I changed my travel plans. Seattle beckoned, and our worlds collided. The doubters faded into the background as we embraced our connection. Our first meeting was more than two paths converging; it was the beginning of a shared life. I eventually left the military, choosing to stay in Seattle with him. His unwavering support allowed me to stand strong in my identity as a gay man. And from that day forward, I’ve proudly called him my Husband. For ten years, we’ve weathered storms and celebrated victories. Our love has grown stronger, defying distance and doubts. Together, we’ve built a life filled with authenticity, pride, and unwavering commitment. Here’s to many more decades of shared glances, whispered dreams, and the joy of being each other’s forever.
Identity: Veteran & Husband
My husband and I always harbored the dream of parenthood, yet the path to realizing it remained unclear. The decision to become foster parents emerged naturally, aligning seamlessly with our lives—my husband’s role as a police officer and my journey towards a master’s degree in social work. Embarking on this journey, we navigated the intricate process of becoming a certified foster home, culminating in a poignant questionnaire: “Which child are you prepared to welcome?” United in our resolve, Doug and I opened our hearts and home without reservation. Our commitment was soon met with a life-changing call—a three-day-old baby girl awaited discharge from the hospital, in need of a nurturing family. After careful deliberation, the social worker entrusted us with her care. Three months into this profound new chapter, our social worker inquired about our experience. Half-jokingly, we mused, “A newborn has been a breeze… we could certainly embrace another.” Little did we know, our light-hearted remark would soon manifest into reality. One evening, as the clock struck nine, the phone rang. The voice on the line, our social worker, presented us with an unexpected opportunity: “A NICU baby requires a home by tomorrow. Would you consider it?” After a night of thoughtful discussion, we consented. The following day, we welcomed a baby boy into our lives—a premature infant with significant health challenges. Now, six years later, our daughter and son are not only surviving but thriving, their laughter a testament to the love that fills our home.
Identity: Foster-parent to Dad
Reflecting on the transformative year of 2020, our family faced unprecedented challenges. Amidst a global pandemic and a heightened awareness of social injustices, we found ourselves at the heart of pivotal discussions. These ranged from safeguarding against COVID-19 to addressing my husband’s role as a police officer during protests, and most critically, confronting the realities of white privilege. The concept of white privilege became a cornerstone of our conversations, as we navigated the complexities of a society grappling with systemic racism. As a family with black children and a police officer father, the events following George Floyd Jr.’s death prompted frequent, intense dialogues with relatives, friends, and colleagues. These discussions, while difficult, were essential in fostering a deeper comprehension and advocating for change within our community. Our commitment to these conversations stemmed from a recognition of their profound importance. We understood that as parents, our primary responsibility was to create an environment conducive to open dialogue for the benefit of our children. The year 2020 marked a significant shift in our lives, reshaping our ‘village’ and ultimately contributing to the well-being of our family. It was a period of growth, learning, and advocating for a more just world, leaving an indelible impact on our journey forward.
Identity: White & privileged and Space Holder
The odyssey I embarked upon—a voyage of self-discovery—has illuminated the multifaceted identities I possess. It's akin to the meticulous crafting of a quilt, each patch representing a distinct facet of my being. Life's myriad of experiences stitch together this tapestry, weaving a narrative that is uniquely mine. Each thread in this quilt is a chronicle of memories, a blend of values, and a testament to beliefs that have shaped me. The quilt grows with every new encounter, every lesson learned, and every challenge faced, evolving into a more intricate and colorful masterpiece. It is a perpetual journey of introspection, where every moment is a potential patch, adding to the complexity and beauty of the quilt that constitutes my essence.
Identity: Tom Hove
It is our duty as a society to ensure that systemic inequalities do not impede Veterans, particularly those from marginalized backgrounds, from accessing the benefits and support they have rightfully earned through their service. The intersection of discrimination based on race, sexual orientation, and Veteran status can create a complex web of challenges that impact the mental and physical well-being of Veterans. We must be willing to offer understanding and culturally competent care to make an impact, addressing the unique challenges faced by LGBTQIA+ Veterans, acknowledging the intersectionality of their identities.
Through this work and by advocating for inclusive mental health services, we can begin to dismantle the systemic barriers that hinder the well-being of LGBTQIA+ Veterans.